Surrender Cont’d
When Surrender & Stillness overstays its welcome.
Surrender, the death & rebirth process & stillness… we all are given endless opportunity to acquaint with all of them throughout different stages of our life, and some cycles feel really beautiful while others… not so much. Last month I was feeling pretty ‘beauty in everything’ esque as I sat in the mountains practicing what I've been cultivating and learning for years.
If I'm going to be honest, after almost 2 months in this holding pattern where life is calling me deep into surrender and stillness of being with life, being with my family & being still in the mountains and trusting my career will figure itself out, and that Solluna has correct systems & foundations in place to support this season I've found myself in many bouts of frustration & gripping, or trying to find or predict the answer or outcome lately… perhaps you can relate? You feel life is waiting just beyond the shoreline, you sense the breakthroughs just about available to you… and yet… you're over the waiting, over sitting in the feels & transitions that demand you shut up, listen & trust that life is taking care of you, that the blindfold will come off when it's perfect timing. But lastly, is life actually asking for us to sit down and shut up… wait, or are we holding ourselves back from acting on our truth because of a nice bucket of excuses and beliefs we've cultivated through life.
I'm no master or monk who can impart the answers on you… hell I'm in the deep thick forest of seeking & demanding answers from life at the moment…
But I can offer some teachings that life has been showing me over this long marathon of waiting, seeking, detaching, reattaching to the desire for the life of love, freedom & family that I have desired to create for myself the past 10+ years.
It's ok to ruminate, it's ok to obsess, it's ok to long for the life, person, home, income, child, career etc that you feel like a total failure at manifesting or bringing to fruition. Don't deny yourself the humanness to be pissed off, to scream from the rooftop & to be really real that you're freaking doneeee with watching the one thing you want more come so easily to those around you while it feels like. you loop and loop and loop. You're not broken, and yet, there are pieces of yourself you must uncover and learn to love, stop avoiding deep in the layers of your human in order to start to build momentum to actualizing the person, place, biz, thanggg.
At some point in the looping, ruminating, troubleshooting, almosts, convincing yourself you'd actually prefer it this way… you will start to pause a little bit more in each familiarity of a cycle or person or realization… you'll start to see that there is a spiral up and out of how it's always been, and that the resilience and endurance being built in the holding of this fuckery that is the now… that holding is building a foundation for a life & reality you haven't conceptualized or truly believed in, been able to access.
In the stillness, I look at my dog and realize that every daydream for a different reality to be here now, every time I wish away a piece of this chapter, every time I'm frustrated that the career I worked so hard to even find, then create and now feels snagged away temporarily… all of these thoughts and beliefs have consequences that I'll sit with in future chapters. Those consequences of guilt, of frustration linger much longer than the discomfort of stillness, of presence, of worry in the present moment.
Wherever you are, be with all of it, sink deeper into the lungs, breathe deeper, and escape none of it. It's the only way to catch the loop & finally spiral beyond the feelings that have followed you every step of your journey so far.
Here's to a newsletter to follow that brings more feels of joy & summertime bliss – but for now this is us – and there's no need to sugarcoat life for the comforts of us, or anyone. My chapter of discomfort does not discount your chapter of winning – never downplay where you are. The right people are here for all of it.
Thanks for being here, if you'd like to join our community call Tuesday July 9th @ 7:30 pm MST without the commitment of diving into the skool community just yet, you can sign up & join my friend Pam & I as she guides us through a group session using Body Talk & her own unique toolkit of modalities. Sign up here
See you soon, much love.
