Deepest Soul Truths
The last year has been the biggest & most beautiful initiation of my life… I’ve flailed & fought through so much of it resisting what was waiting for me … the depths and truths I’d ran from in myself, as long as I can remember.
The more I’ve surrendered, mostly by life giving me loud non choices one thing remained steady… this energy of you.
I did all the things to cut the energy off, justify my choices, words, actions… I meditated, flew across the world, pushed attracting new connections in an attempt to erase old connection — continually finding and meeting myself deeper and deeper, finding the key, the pattern, the codependency, ya da ya da ya da… allllll the fucking healing tools… alllll the meditations & cord cuttings & every last tool and guru I had access to, but this deep seated feeling never left, this energetic connection wouldn’t die. I’ve never experienced anything in this capacity.
It’s been a year of serious acquainting with emotional turmoil, so many beliefs, so many realizations and soooo much loneliness, anxiety, depression between the highs and beauty that the journey included.
Then, somewhere along the journey, along the continually forcing my heart open, not giving up and believing I had to feel this way forever… deep forgiveness for myself came in, deep acquaintance & building the foundation that is me, the falling in love w me finally started evolving. The hands that life dealt just kept bringing me back to me, my stuff, nothing outside of me being responsible for any of my external circumstances or internal dialogue.
Inside of all of this I realized how half hearted I was living life, how superficial I was allowing my relationships to become, how much I had been avoiding vulnerability, and most importantly how much I’d been rushing and forcing endings when I could feel energetics shift… not allowing the organics of life to take their course. Shit when Reese started getting sick I tried my hardest to force her soul out of her body doing all the things I knew in my toolbox so she didn’t have to suffer anymore…. It was only through her terror, her panic and making it clear she was NOT ready to leave, I realized how much I can force life in the sticky moments to grasp at some control, and not having to be fully hearted with the whole spectrum of life.
And all of this is totally perfect, totally part of my path and totally on time… it has been the ultimate death that I needed to undergo to finally own my heart, fully start to let it and me become the fullness of who we are here to be, unshakeable & sovereign in who I am & have been.
