Cali Dream is Dead & gone

The Cali Dream is Dead!

The Cali Dream is Dead ! …. maybe for now, maybe foreva!

I remember as a teenager singing to ‘California here we come’ and binging The OC while babysitting some rich kids, thinking that is THE life of all lives! That’s where I wanna be… it was always just a faint and detached dream. Over time, it would come through stronger and stronger and in TCM school I ran to the bathroom crying from a degrading customer one night mid waitressing shift, booked a flight to San Francisco and left at midnight. 

That was the first solo trip I had done, and after some good ol trauma bonded relationship aftermath, it was when I found true freedom as no one was to be consulted or the one I looked to for guiding the ship. I would skip down the streets, get lost, and by the end of 4 days I could hardly move after being determined to bike and walk the whole city. I met a part of myself and the world that started to ignite the passion in me, along with the frustration I’d been projecting outwardly to others… when no one is around and you’re yelling as you fly down a hill terrified to be on a road bike on with no helmet… you realize… it’s always been you holding you back or putting yourself in unnecessarily uncomfortable situations. 

That trip has always been blazed in my memory and lit my travel bug & freedom seeker. But more over, I attached the experience to California, and later on a Bachelorette trip to San Diego in 2018 I again fell in love with the state. The tie got stronger and stronger, in retrospect it pulled out new, more fun (IMO) aspects of myself.

In 2020,  at a retreat in Kelowna I had a deep ‘spiritual awakening’ where I had a meeting/visualization of my birth father pushing me to California, arms wrapped around me and a man that I would meet on the beach, with Reese still around. At the end I saw a flash of California license plate… and that was it. I wanted it so bad, but never really believed it. 

Last year that visual happened, down to the wildest synchronicities,  confirmations  & similarities in the details of the human and my father … I was so sure it had to be the IT I was waiting for… 

… BUT… because we all know there’s always a BUT! What I’ve learned is that the synchronicities are just guides, not hard facts, certainties or givens to be attached to. What I’ve realized is I became attached to the idea and hope and then really tried to make it happen instead of trusting the signs as arrows alongside the river to meander with.  Yesterday I was staring at the ocean and caught myself say aloud as I was letting go of the Cali dream… ‘But I tried so hard to make it happen…. What went wrong?’ 

As the words rolled out the clarity & awareness immediately dropped into my field… ‘And maybe that was the problem… maybe you won’t have to try to make the right thing happen.’ 

So here I sit, in love with the sun, the sand, the palms, the little island of perfection & the military planes… totally unfulfilled by it all, missing the substance & joy that I feel around my favourite people & the little 700 sq ft place that reminds me of the power of heart & community. After landing a few weeks ago I quickly had a feeling come over me of ‘NO. NO. NO. I am so done here….’ 

It doesn’t always make sense, usually not in the moment, and sometimes we never get clarity or understanding, even around the synchronicities. 

At first I felt flaky, like a cop out, maybe running away from something again, kinda goldilocks looking for the just right. The facts are, the exams and visa are still on the table, with a detachment to where or what they are there for. 

Here’s the thing… I denied a full body NO last year because it ‘didn’t make sense.’ This year my story will be written my me alone.

After two weeks up north I felt really alive and proud of and in my business. I was lit up for impact and change… and coming back to a place of restriction… where I can’t work, and I do not have the community & have struggled to create or attract that community here after much ‘trying’ … I realized the aliveness is way more in YMM. 

So here we go again… packing up and trusting in something and someone bigger than us… knowing with certainty… not a lot lol! Except that it is all painting the life and the feeling and the family that I’ve always desired. With awareness we can sink deeper into a new layer of allowing, of becoming, of surrendering and trusting. 

So with my heart feeling super tender, and the universe dropping people and occurrences on my path as I pack up to test and see if I’m really certain of me and my path…. I say goodbye, with love. I’ll never say it’s forever, but I’m at peace if this state and I have come to the end of our twisted little beautiful disaster of a highs and lows journey. 

With that, I’ll be in Solluna March 29th -April 5th and then,  we’ll go from there. Book Acu here and reach out if you’ve been wanting an in person mentorship session as some have mentioned.

I’ve started the Solluna Community / The Krystal Effect Community membership & weekly calls are Monday’s at 9am MST if you feel the pull to join us, it’s a lovely intimate group right now that was basically live coaching for those that showed up this week. 

You can sign up here & cancel anytime. 

Thanks for being on this ride, and I hope it reminds you to loosen the reigns. Control and gripping has taught us a lot of hard lessons and personally so few satisfying victories.

Happy Spring Equinox — let the dead weight stay dead this year! DO. NOT. PICK. IT. BACK. UP.

But as always, choice is yours 😘