Maybe Chaos is Paving the Express Lane
I was cooking dinner tonight when a voice hit me from above …
‘ Stop the doing, stop the checklist & surrender to what you’re avoiding.’ You see, I keep envisioning myself in my little kitchen cooking and baking wholesome food and I have this idea of the feeling it’ll give me. Today it was on my list, I ordered groceries and had a menu for the week…
Fast forward through a day of creative energy flowing and connecting with the right people, having conversations and doing tasks that my mind decided had to be done. My body is saying it’s time to go move and play… Reese is incessantly pacing and whining at me that it’s time to go do the living… but I keep pushing the checklist.
Was I hungry? Nope… but the vision and the wanting to carry momentum into the evening was strong so the Sunday scaries and feels couldn’t catch me.
As I’m cooking the bacon Reese runs outside whining, by the time I run back in my bacon was black… cool, cool.
Not a necessary ingredient… so I go to pull out my flat breads… full of mold….
cool, cool…
I could feel the rage welling up in me. The victim wanting to come out and play and sit in the kitchen and fall apart, because it’s never about the burnt bacon, is it?
‘ Stop the doing, stop the checklist & surrender to what you’re avoiding.’
I’m not carrying big extended periods of feeling into 2024, we did enough of that in 2023 and last week I decided to cut it off at the source, uproot the root system and MOVE THE FUCK ONNNNN and dive head first into my dreams instead. There will always be healing, and I do believe sometimes we have to stop sitting in the same moment of it and go respond correctly and maturely to life so that life can help us shake the past off.
This last week has been filled with pickle ball, volleyball, softball, martial arts yoga, PGA tour & Keith Urban desert day trips, coffee & beach dates with people great on paper, even great in person, but un entertained by my whole being.
How often do we do activities, meet up with people, hop on planes, say yes to things that ‘should’ excite us or have elicited a feeling of correct in the past, a great memory in the past hoping that it will bring us back to that feeling, ‘hold us over’ until we are in a space where what’s in front of us doesn’t feel like a daunting void, way too big of a mountain, moment of darkness, moment of meeting familiar pain we’ve been running from…
My almost 13 year old best buddy, Reese, has been slowing down & showing us signs that it’s time to be there for her, and create sacred space to be present with her and make decisions that are best for her lately…
I have no intent or desire to travel where she can’t be anymore. I have no desire to share my time and space with anyone but her anymore (unless he’s tall, dark, handsome, chivalrous & comes with a golden retriever apparently.) This new reality has ironically had me adding busyness to my plate in an order to avoid my reality more than anything, ever.
I see the pattern, I honour & attack it, but our patterns are real mother fuckers even with all the tools.
I finally get ya’ll that have told me over the years that you busy your life to get through, to force joy — ok maybe you don’t say it like that, but I see you, I feel you still hanging out with people and places you’ve outgrown.
I’ve been giving it a go thinking maybe I really missed out, messed up these last years and instead of diving head first into my childhood & cost of being human trauma I should’ve been diving into home base instead…
While the sports have elicited a beautiful hit of dopamine, and great convos on the regular, and I’ll be keeping them…
My verdict is… you cant out busy the mind, you can’t out busy what has a hold on you, what’s screaming at you to be freed from the mind, body or heart. You’re simply prolonging… accumulating… and eventually that becomes paralyzing & much more stifling.
and maybe, just maybe, that’s where people ‘lose it’ out of the blue, ‘no one expected it,’ ‘no one had a clue they were struggling,’ ‘they were always the happy go lucky one.’
You just can’t out busy life, out run, out succeed or fake the facade of a nourishing, wholesome, truly deep and happy foundation for living.
Those little feelings, those little heart threads, those little aches and thoughts we push to the back between dopamine hits and sports banter…
They follow you, they accumulate, and they’ll keep you up at night if you don’t give them a space, a table to pull up to & acquaint with. Let them breathe… they might even find the space to rest, to stop intruding, to stop taking over so many thoughts, desires, truths.
My mentor said something deeply sobering recently…
‘ STOP BEING IN AN AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE UNIVERSE (or life) !’
…and well, that’s the best way I could end this Sunday diddy. Life is trying to provide it all… life gives you those fun synchronicities and numbers … even in the darkness
don’t let the beauty and potential depth life is trying to offer you stay stuck as potential… don’t let the synchronicities and numbers be interpreted & pigeon holed by the mind or some ‘psychics’ mind… let life unravel and show you all it has to offer you. Go all in on it… some call it chaos or ‘a little lost…’
To those I say… you are not holier than thou… No one has it figured out and the ones willing to be witnessed and build in and through ‘chaos’ and ‘unknown’ are the ones building the express lane for many to travel on when they’re ready.
xo
