Can You Out Purpose Guilt?
It’s become so engrained in us to allot time in our day to ‘get shit done,’ or at least it’s been a big part of my conditioning and values thus far.
Wake up, do. Something that will make us feel fulfilled whether it’s a 5k run, emptying the dishwasher or sending that email before the day begins and the sun is brightly shining.
When I don’t do this, when I lay in bed too long, when I take ‘too much’ time for myself in the am without checking something off that feels ‘purposeful’ this deep seated guilt kicks in, and in that moment I know I’ve lost - I know the battle is uphill for the day.
But here I sit, on the ferry between downtown SD and Coronado with about 4 min to deliver a message, seems a part of me is still gripping and winning at the ‘get shit done’ internal battle. I woke up this morning with the ‘should’ of should pack, should tidy, should paddle board, should study, should work on my online platform…
Reese woke up when I snuck out of bed to go attack the ‘should’ I could do guilt free if she wasn’t seeking my attention. She pranced to the kitchen for her familiar routine, ate as she speedily wolfed down breakfast side eyeing me to ensure I was not sneaking out on her — she’s onto my cagey shit these days and not here for it.
I take her for a quick walk knowing I can still recover my plan and avoid the guilt, but when I turn around to bring her home and go about my fulfilling the checklist morning she stops dead weight in 4 paws, because well, usually we go down to the pier and mosey around have a pup cup and I dote on her cuteness.
I try to drag her, but feel like an abusive parent so I eventually surrender to her walking me down the the pier. I’m realizing life with Reese is like dating me, and while … that’s been enlightening on its own to start to love & appreciate the a lot ness & finicky nature that is us.
I get back and it’s 7:52 am, ok ok I can still outrun this guilt and go for a paddle and maybe a run.
While at the pier this am something in the back of my mind was saying ‘I wanna go take the ferry to broadway and enjoy a morning walk’ and it wouldn’t go away amidst my General militant telling me the regime.
The mind came in 20 x more why we needed to stick to a routine and schedule and timeline as we are moving places today…
But the body kept a calm pulse to it … it’ll all be ok, you’ll be back in time.
But why, but how, but this makes no sense, I wanna be on the water, I wanna clean things up….
As I was creating a whole dialogue I tripped over my fin on the paddle board and surrendered and gave up… hopped on my bike, across the ferry to dt SD.
I had a lovely morning disconnected, with no accomplishments to be had but a really special feeling of … support, of… this is home, of ‘You’re home. Stop worrying about the how, stop trying to run to a tropical island or find the ‘next/best thing.’ The running is over… just live. Let the joy come into the living.’
And now I’m docked back in my peaceful, Coronado with an hour left to spare and the most delicious little bagel.
I get off the ferry to a message that my cleaners are running behind and need an extra hour… you see…
The mind will always come up with a million reasons why to change course, to clutter our ability to listen and claim with certainty… but it really is simple if we allow it to be… if we can start to separate the thinking mind and need for logic and certainty to land back on, and simply let life guide us.
I chose to set an anchor to SD for 2024. The simple fact that I’m sharing this with those of you who support my tangible business in another country from where I’m setting an uncertain anchor to is a huge against the grain no no that my mother would strongly encourage me against.
But the thing is, I don’t believe the mind of my own or others is the foundation of my happiness, or success. I believe that the feeling behind all of it is what people connect with, and what I connect into. That is stronger than any brand simply following the do’s and don’ts without the heart pulse behind it.
I digress… since throwing an anchor into this city that at the time didn’t even feel like home, didn’t feel correct, just brought up feelings on feelings on feelings and amplified my aloneness was hard. I get it — in a privileged way but a deep I DONT KNOW IF I CAN KEEP LIVING IN THESE EMOTIONS AND ON THIS JOURNEY kind of way. Like give me the ship called ‘SETTLING ON LIFE, and giving up on the delusional dream’ & I’ll hop on today.
I cried so much after finally claiming and saying ‘I’m going all in on ONE thing this year.’ I’m not saying it has to be this city, I’m not saying it’s going to work out… I’m just saying I will do whatever it takes from my human to go all in on myself and a claiming a life in San Diego this year. It’s taken a lot of face offs with my own demons to keep saying I deserve this life and if it is meant to be it will become.
What I know for certain is that it won’t NOT be, I won’t NOT get the visa because I stood in my way, because I didn’t take action on the things in the physical realm that will make it more probable. It won’t be a year of NOT happening because I cluttered my field up with 20 flights and people that were most definitely impulsive distraction & instant gratification.
As you can see, I started this by telling you to get out of ‘Get shit done’ mode and go live life… & am ending by saying… some choices will require you to get out of your own way and ‘get shit done’ and THEN let a higher power decide from there…
That’s the paradox of me, and of life. There’s space for both, but it requires a huge amount of ever expanding awareness to decipher when you’re being called to listen to your body and it’s way of communicating with you, taking the power away from the ruminating, chomping, fuckery of the mind… and when it’s time to take an action, claim a choice, go all in, then utilize the mind to take the tangible steps it can help us do to stay certain in our hearts, in our magic without being delusional and trying to pray a working visa you didn’t apply for into existence.
And because I can hear the thought arise somewhere in the field ‘what about solluna, what about ymm?’
I wrote a whole paragraph sharing my heart & the vision I have on this topic and then deleted it, put it away for a rainy day and realized me feeding your mind what it ‘wants in on’ is of no value ;). In Chinese medicine we speak to ‘gossip’ or that desire to ‘want to know all the goods’ as a the pathogen ‘wind.’ It’s unrooted, it’s powerful, and yet can be very destructive and wind in the system often shows up as chaos and extremes in emotions and symptoms in the body. Notice if you are a person to think like this, when you’re digging and seeking for the spilled tea…. what part of you desires this, and what does it ACTUALLY think it’s going to ‘get’ out of the responses or answers it’s seeking, in my experience it never provides that, truly. I’m all in on every facet of my life right now, and my heart is still very much attached to Solluna & the impact it' was created for.
I will be in Solluna Feb 11-28th and am looking forward to some in human time with the community I hold closest to my heart. I have openings for Acupuncture & have also opened up upto 2 slots for hypnotherapy/mentorship, you’ll just have to reach out to snag those.
Happy Thursday Fam, I hope you go all in on something connected to YOU today.
xo
